#2

"I am not fit to live, after what I've done".

I read those words in an interview to a murderer. Sad words, but sometimes I can somehow relate to them.

Today was an annoying day, work was very busy, and my headaches are coming back harder than before, making everything so much more painful.

I guess that's pretty much everything I let myself feel these days. I try so hard to numb down my feelings that the only moments I feel something is when I'm on a drug-fueled rage with myself, or when the alcohol brings out the sad side of me.

I find myself doing things that I always said I'd never do, and makes it harder and harder to accept what I am now.

There's people that try to help, but I just can't let them close enough, I can't feel anything for them. I go through the motions of what you'd do with a friend, but I just don't want them there.

I can't allow myself to feel anything, otherwise the thought of you would just make me sink. I think about you all the time, wondering what you do, where you are, if you are ok, if you think about me.

The drugs help, but God I feel like a piece of shit.

Day 35