#5

I've been trying to be consistent with this diary, but over the past few days I've never managed to make any sense, so I kept going back and deleting everything.

I'm struggling to find my place. Sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I don't. Must be all the shit I've taken lately finally wearing off.

I guess this is where I rot.

I feel something coming, I know it's going to be big. I'm scared I know what it is, but I don't want to think about enough to actually realise what it is.

Today was a shitty day. I usually go out for a walk to relax after work when I feel like this, but it didn't really work today. Now I'm stuck. Hopefully I'll manage to sleep a couple of hours tonight and pray god I'll feel better tomorrow.

Silence, I discover, is something you can actually hear. - Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

#4

Pretty average day, busy work, annoying feelings since I've been cutting down on the drugs.

I was going through my bookmarks to find some stuff I needed during my lunch break and I managed to find your old blog. I read the last post and I cried.

Then I went home, and spent all the time crying. It's the first time I did since we broke up. Realising it's over, it really hurts. Realising I've lost you forever, it really hurts.

This silence breaks me.

I'm falling again.

Day 37

#3

Today was ok, at some point.

I was going to do a lot of things, but was hard to even just get out of bed. If it's not for work, I have no reason to do anything. I guess I'm just in autopilot at the moment. Just getting through things.

Playing stuff just to keep myself occupied is the most I can do, and even that I can't enjoy. I try, but I don't understand why. Maybe I'm just too off my face all the time. I thought it would help. At least helps the numbness.

I watched Drive the other day. I've never been a Ryan Gosling fan, but I have to be honest it was pretty decent, especially the soundtrack was on point.

I wish I could understand what's wrong. I just want it to stop. But I got a bad feeling.

I wonder if you ever think about me, even though I know the answer. I'm glad you are over it, cause I can't.

Day 36

#2

"I am not fit to live, after what I've done".

I read those words in an interview to a murderer. Sad words, but sometimes I can somehow relate to them.

Today was an annoying day, work was very busy, and my headaches are coming back harder than before, making everything so much more painful.

I guess that's pretty much everything I let myself feel these days. I try so hard to numb down my feelings that the only moments I feel something is when I'm on a drug-fueled rage with myself, or when the alcohol brings out the sad side of me.

I find myself doing things that I always said I'd never do, and makes it harder and harder to accept what I am now.

There's people that try to help, but I just can't let them close enough, I can't feel anything for them. I go through the motions of what you'd do with a friend, but I just don't want them there.

I can't allow myself to feel anything, otherwise the thought of you would just make me sink. I think about you all the time, wondering what you do, where you are, if you are ok, if you think about me.

The drugs help, but God I feel like a piece of shit.

Day 35

#1

Someone suggested to me to put down the things I think when I feel low, some sort of diary, so I've decided to start a personal blog, just to jolt down my random ramblings.

Today is day 34 that I've been living without you. It's getting better, I can take care of my stuff, I can work fine. But it's only cause I've managed to numb down how I feel. I can take care of things around me, I can take care of people, but I'm struggling with taking care of myself. I'll have to improve on that.

I think the thing I miss the most is your skin. Your smell and the softness every time I could hold you, it's what I miss at night.

I was going through my files to find some old document, and I managed to find the folder with all the old snaps you used to send me when I was still in Italy. I go through them every day now, remind me of simpler times, when things seemed so much easier.

Life goes on I know, but I always think about you. I always long for you, to go back to those nights on the couch, just chilling together.

I hope life will be good to you, that's what I really hope. I know you are struggling, and I wish I could be there for you, but you need space, time, and that's all I can give. I never felt more useless.

I just wish to see your face again, I can't think of anything more beautiful than that.

                                               Love - Gaspar Noè